Finished decorating the Christmas tree yesterday. Wrapped it with gold tinsel garland and hung the ornaments. I mostly went with the fancy, personal ornaments. We have tons of plain round colored globes. But I like the handmade ones, the ornaments from places we visited, the celebrations of things we did, the big bold, colorful ones bought for no reason in particular. I like the ornaments that give the tree character.

I suspect for anyone grieving, Christmas is the hardest season. It was for me the first year. I hardly decorated at all. Then, in ‘21 and ‘22, I decided to go all in. I even had a party for the kids on the day after Thanksgiving. Lots of joy and pleasure. I missed the party this year and backslid a bit. I didn’t put up outside lights. I did decorate inside. Maybe I just wanted to keep it personal. Or maybe it’s part of that doing my new thing where I no longer feel obligated to replicate what I did when I had a living, life partner.

If you think of grieving as being full of ups and downs, highs and lows, I feel like I might be settling into a more or less steady state. Although, I’m not sure life is meant to be a steady state. I think it’s always full of ups and downs, highs and lows, which is why we try things, do things as we move along the course of our lives. We want those experiences. And while we crave happiness, we know that disappointment and sadness is always a possibility. So, maybe it’s just the doing that’s the point, the getting on with it, the pursuit of happiness and love, while knowing you may find one or both or none.