Looking Ahead
Last year, on a trip to Marathon, I got a ticket for going too fast in a school zone. I took defensive driving. I learned something doing it. It is legal to drive on an improved shoulder to do things like let faster vehicles pass. Previously, I thought it was illegal. So, I tended to hang in my lane whenever a speed demon showed up because I was doing the speed limit and moving over was wrong. The guy tailgating tended to upset me, and I’m sure I upset him. Now? I just slide over. Happy guy goes by. Happy me lets him.
As I was thinking how nice it felt to be accommodating like that, I thought about my marriage. I tried to be accommodating, go along to get along. Generally, I think I did pretty well. But I’m sure my wife had other views or maybe felt as though she was being swallowed up in my life. All I know now is that I still try to do a lot of the things she liked because they make me feel good. Like keeping the house and yard tidy. But I’ve also brought all my stereo stuff downstairs and set it up in the living room because that’s what I like. And I’m learning to tell people no when they ask me to do things.
I have to admit, it feels a little weird thinking only about myself. A tiny bit self-centered. But on the other hand, it’s surprisingly freeing and that might sound bad to some people. I’m sorry if it does. I just think it’s important to redefine who I am, now that I’m alone, as I try to figure out what I want from this new phase of my life. Hardly an easy question and maybe unanswerable, but I’ve got plenty of friends to support me as I take off on this new long, strange journey. And I’m looking forward to seeing what the future brings, and I can still try to be kind. That never hurts.
John W. Wilson is the author of The Long Goodbye: A Caregiver’s Tale