Remaining Days
The cold is still here and as it often does when it comes I am shrinking down inside myself. It’s always been this way. Historically, January and February are my worst months. Too many dark days. Too many clothes to wear to stay warm. I think I should have been a bear. No one misses the bear in winter. The bear is just gone. Sleeping. Staying warm. Others may wander and fly about seeking food, seeking shelter, seeking warmth. But they’re not wondering about the bear. The bear is just gone.
It’s an interesting game, to take oneself out of the picture. I was at a party the other night playing a utilitarian role and it was easy for me to imagine the event going on just as it was without my presence. Of course, I enjoyed the work and most of the people but a drop of water spilled on the bank of a river hardly changes the course of the river. So, I thought maybe it might be time for me to puddle up on the shore and wait for the sun. It sure is appealing. And if I’m honest with myself, I’d like a little less chaos in my life.
Although chaos might be too strong a word. It’s just that I’ve spent most of my life pounding myself into shape so that I could fit into society, to get along. And now I’m tired and sometimes I’m not even real sure who I am anymore. And when i see pictures of myself these days, I’m hardly ever smiling, and that seems a bad thing. Although weirdly enough, I’m not sad at all, just pensive and reflective. And maybe that’s what happens in the winter of one’s life. I’ve started taking stock and figuring out what I really want to get done in the time still left to me.